For about two and a half weeks, I have been having reoccurring nightmares that mainly focuses on my mom. Each time, some other family member guest stars, like my brothers or sister, and a conflict in the different scenarios result in the same ending with my mom flying off the wall, turning violent and going crazy. Tonight was the first night that my dad was in the dream with my younger brother.
In this particular dream, one of the family cars was stolen due to the fact that my mom forgot to lock the door of the car while she was grocery shopping. She came home and she told my dad, brother, and me that she couldn't find the car. My brother, concerned about the car, went back to the location where she said she parked it and verified that it was missing.
Now this car, is shared between my younger brother and mom and was upsetting news to him. Flustered by my brother's disappointment and irritation, and our conclusion that it was probably stolen, my mom started to get defensive, shouting and screaming, and eventually becomes violent by taking household objects and destroying them. She had tried to forget about the whole thing while carrying on with some domestic duties at home like vacuuming when she suddenly snap and started to swing the vacuum violently destroying it.
During the whole violent act and crying, everyone started to leave the room. Being with my dad made me feel less scared because I couldn't tell if she was going to hurt me in her rampage and despair. At some point she grabs a stick and moves towards me and my dad. As my dad starts to leave the living room, I begin to follow him. My mother looked at me and asked why I was leaving her when she wanted someone to stay and comfort her, and I answered that I was afraid she would hurt me and followed my dad out of the room.
This particular dream seemed to be worth documenting since it was the first time my unconscious answered why I acted the way I did with my mom. In other dreams when she becomes violent with my youngest brother, she is usually about to hurt him and I would try to protect him from her. This dream with my youngest brother occurs the most. My sister almost never shows up in these dreams, and for the longest time, my dad never showed up in the dreams neither. I suppose these vivid scenarios are not so far from real situations in the past. It's the last imprinted image of how I see my mother and because it seems to haunt me, I rarely keep in contact with her. This was the first time she spoke to me, asked me questions, and was willing to listen... in my head.
Another dream I had that seemed to tie into this last dream, was one without my family. It happened at work with no one believing in the work I was doing, and that lack of believe left me with a feeling of sadness, betrayal, and disappointment.
I wonder now if that's how my mom feels. She's pretty much alone, everyone feels bad for her, but no one feels like they can do anything about it.
When I was in high school I remember my mom and dad being interchangeable in those dreams, but that my dad was not crazy, just angry and violent. Some time towards the end of college, post college I told him that I had nightmares about him, and since then the dreams of him being angry and violent exited from my mind. That time I told him about these nightmares, I was pretty scared to let him know. But I did it because it was the first time I felt he was receptive to something I could say to him about me. Often times, it is hard for me to confess when people have done something or said something that hurts me. It usually doesn't sit well with me, and the shock factor usually allows me to just brush it off in the moment, but it usually comes back two-folds for not dealing with it right away. As much as I like to think I can handle it, I guess in the end, I am not handling it at all. I suppose for me to confess these things to people, I need to believe they are receptive to what I have to say.
It's kind of weird to think that this might be some sort of nightmare breakthrough... and I don't know what will change after this, but I think it's funny that my mind psychoanalyzed itself.
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