Feeling the Holes Left in My Soul

Usually I post lots of great things that have happened or new things that I have tried that were good experiences in my life, but today I feel like posting about everything that has been bothering me for a really long time now.

I am not really sure if it's because of the weather, but I am starting to feel a lot of looming emptiness take over my life. As I look over the goals I used to set I realize that I do them less and less. Perhaps the biggest hole that I have to replace now is my art. For the past year I haven't felt like picking up the color pencils and sketchbooks anymore to draw. My art programs are just icons sitting on the desktop of my computer taking space. I have no desire to click on them and no desire to even look at any of my past work. The faces of all my characters are no longer things I see in detail in my memory. They are all vanishing. The rough storylines are things I can't really recall anymore. And despite knowing that this is all slipping away... I can't bring myself to do something about it. Perhaps this is a memorial posting about letting go of a big part of my self identity.

It's strange in the sense that this was the greatest suicide I could commit against myself one time. A couple years back, I thought about destroying a lot of my artwork because it caused me a lot of anguish and grief over never knowing if I could be really good at it and make something of it. It was the greatest internal struggle of my life. I had thought at least once every year that I could quit my technical studies for it, but in the end, I always chose to put art behind. I don't think I have ever trembled in fear like I did the day I opened the large plastic container holding my art and sketchbooks getting ready to tear the pages apart.

Right now, this feels like an inevitable death. It was something that was bound to happen at some point. It was just hard to know when. I don't know when people forget about their hobbies, but I always felt sad hearing about all the creative things they loved doing before and then just stop. From thinking about this experience, I believe that there is a huge difference between the suicide and death of something. The idea of suicide is to use drastic or destructive measures to end or stop something that we believe is causing us pain to find peace. The inevitable death is something that we know will happen and try to prepare ourselves for by reflecting on it and make peace with. Although I feel sad, I also feel that it is okay.

Wow! Fewer and Fewer Posts o_O!

For some strange reason I thought I posted more in September, but I suppose it's been pretty busy here in Chicago. Fall is here and we're halfway through October. As of last year, I've been pretty pumped about Halloween. This year I decided I would dress up as Minnie Mouse! I picked up a $6 pink polka dot dress while I was in South Korea last month. All I have to do is make some felt ears for my ribbon headband.

PAELLA NIGHT AT RISHI'S

Rishi is an amazing host for get togethers. Once in a while he hosts cooking parties at his place and it is always so much fun. These photos are out of order though.

Professional photoshoot by Dr. Agrawal on his balcony.

The ad hoc paella. That's right! We did not follow a recipe.

Salmon tartare made with questionable grade salmon. (Good new is no one got sick or mentioned it! )

Dr. Cheng was in charge of dessert so he made a croissant pudding with chocolate chips while Mr. Tan laughed at him.

Annie making her brueschetta with cheese and raisins o-O!

Lilyan came!

All the ladies at the party!

Molding the salmon tartare!

STARVED ROCK REVISITED

Starved Rock Park is one of the main attractions and a seven wonders of Illinois. Last year I went with some friends during the Fall hoping to see waterfalls but they were all dried up. This Fall it appears to be the same. Perhaps it is too late to see waterfalls. Maybe some day I will go in the Spring.

Hearty breakfast before the hike!

Hiking the park!

Haha I love this pic. It's like watching the evolution of mankind.

Stella is a brave girl!

I caught a falling leave from the sky!

Group photo!

Happy to be outdoors!

So cute!

We had to climb lots of stairs :(

Then we had to sit and rest on the bench.

MANI/PEDI DAY

I have never gotten a manicure or pedicure before in my life, but I am open to trying almost anything. My friend Rich promised me three favors and this is one of them. He had to get a mani/pedi with the girls. Now, if you're a guy, and you agree to do a mani/pedi with your girl friends, they will love you for it. It earns you mucho brownie points! I have to say it was pretty scary watching them file my nails. It actually hurt a little. They also trimmed the skin around the nail, and the next couple of days my toes and fingers felt sore. I heard from my friends that's quite unusual. As much fun as it was to try it for the first time, I think I probably won't do it again. Here's one for the memory book!

Walking to mani/pedi :)

Time to go in!

Very cute. They also had Sex and the City on!

Haha Rich is getting his pedicure!

Now the rest of us girls are getting our pedicure.

Now the manicure...

Stella is having a good time!

We had to be careful not to touch each other's hand while we let our nails dry.

It was hard though...

ART WALK AND THE BIG DRAW AT CHICAGO CULTURAL CENTER

My friend Catherine told me about the Big Draw taking place at the Chicago Cultural Center this year. It was a lot of fun when I went last year that I decided to ask my boyfriend Xiao if we could go check it out. We haven't been around during the weekend to hang out so it was nice that we started having weekends to see each other. I guess I forgot to mention I am dating someone now.

This was after the art walk on a Friday. We went to Gyukaku and Rishi secretly took this photo with his phone. That's my babe.

The theme for this year was to draw original symbols for one of four instruments.

I chose the pianist.

Xiao wanted someone to play the harmonica...

but he had to settle for the bassoon.

PING JING'S FAREWALL FOR HER MOM

Ping Jing's mom came to visit her in the US. They came over for dinner one time when I made Indian/Asian food. Before she went back to China, they had a little get together for dinner at her place. We made dumplings from scratch. Now I know how to pinch and fill dumplings.

Pretty healthy stuff!

Most children love their parent's cooking :) Just look at how happy Ping Jing is!

Cute photo of Ping Jing and Hui Lan.

 Well that sums most of the highlights so far this month. I plan to have another big post coming as Halloween approaches and the Hot Chocolate Run begins! My siblings will be here soon and I think it'll be lots of fun to have them here!