Usually I post lots of great things that have happened or new things that I have tried that were good experiences in my life, but today I feel like posting about everything that has been bothering me for a really long time now.
I am not really sure if it's because of the weather, but I am starting to feel a lot of looming emptiness take over my life. As I look over the goals I used to set I realize that I do them less and less. Perhaps the biggest hole that I have to replace now is my art. For the past year I haven't felt like picking up the color pencils and sketchbooks anymore to draw. My art programs are just icons sitting on the desktop of my computer taking space. I have no desire to click on them and no desire to even look at any of my past work. The faces of all my characters are no longer things I see in detail in my memory. They are all vanishing. The rough storylines are things I can't really recall anymore. And despite knowing that this is all slipping away... I can't bring myself to do something about it. Perhaps this is a memorial posting about letting go of a big part of my self identity.
It's strange in the sense that this was the greatest suicide I could commit against myself one time. A couple years back, I thought about destroying a lot of my artwork because it caused me a lot of anguish and grief over never knowing if I could be really good at it and make something of it. It was the greatest internal struggle of my life. I had thought at least once every year that I could quit my technical studies for it, but in the end, I always chose to put art behind. I don't think I have ever trembled in fear like I did the day I opened the large plastic container holding my art and sketchbooks getting ready to tear the pages apart.
Right now, this feels like an inevitable death. It was something that was bound to happen at some point. It was just hard to know when. I don't know when people forget about their hobbies, but I always felt sad hearing about all the creative things they loved doing before and then just stop. From thinking about this experience, I believe that there is a huge difference between the suicide and death of something. The idea of suicide is to use drastic or destructive measures to end or stop something that we believe is causing us pain to find peace. The inevitable death is something that we know will happen and try to prepare ourselves for by reflecting on it and make peace with. Although I feel sad, I also feel that it is okay.
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