For about two and a half weeks, I have been having reoccurring nightmares that mainly focuses on my mom. Each time, some other family member guest stars, like my brothers or sister, and a conflict in the different scenarios result in the same ending with my mom flying off the wall, turning violent and going crazy. Tonight was the first night that my dad was in the dream with my younger brother.
In this particular dream, one of the family cars was stolen due to the fact that my mom forgot to lock the door of the car while she was grocery shopping. She came home and she told my dad, brother, and me that she couldn't find the car. My brother, concerned about the car, went back to the location where she said she parked it and verified that it was missing.
Now this car, is shared between my younger brother and mom and was upsetting news to him. Flustered by my brother's disappointment and irritation, and our conclusion that it was probably stolen, my mom started to get defensive, shouting and screaming, and eventually becomes violent by taking household objects and destroying them. She had tried to forget about the whole thing while carrying on with some domestic duties at home like vacuuming when she suddenly snap and started to swing the vacuum violently destroying it.
During the whole violent act and crying, everyone started to leave the room. Being with my dad made me feel less scared because I couldn't tell if she was going to hurt me in her rampage and despair. At some point she grabs a stick and moves towards me and my dad. As my dad starts to leave the living room, I begin to follow him. My mother looked at me and asked why I was leaving her when she wanted someone to stay and comfort her, and I answered that I was afraid she would hurt me and followed my dad out of the room.
This particular dream seemed to be worth documenting since it was the first time my unconscious answered why I acted the way I did with my mom. In other dreams when she becomes violent with my youngest brother, she is usually about to hurt him and I would try to protect him from her. This dream with my youngest brother occurs the most. My sister almost never shows up in these dreams, and for the longest time, my dad never showed up in the dreams neither. I suppose these vivid scenarios are not so far from real situations in the past. It's the last imprinted image of how I see my mother and because it seems to haunt me, I rarely keep in contact with her. This was the first time she spoke to me, asked me questions, and was willing to listen... in my head.
Another dream I had that seemed to tie into this last dream, was one without my family. It happened at work with no one believing in the work I was doing, and that lack of believe left me with a feeling of sadness, betrayal, and disappointment.
I wonder now if that's how my mom feels. She's pretty much alone, everyone feels bad for her, but no one feels like they can do anything about it.
When I was in high school I remember my mom and dad being interchangeable in those dreams, but that my dad was not crazy, just angry and violent. Some time towards the end of college, post college I told him that I had nightmares about him, and since then the dreams of him being angry and violent exited from my mind. That time I told him about these nightmares, I was pretty scared to let him know. But I did it because it was the first time I felt he was receptive to something I could say to him about me. Often times, it is hard for me to confess when people have done something or said something that hurts me. It usually doesn't sit well with me, and the shock factor usually allows me to just brush it off in the moment, but it usually comes back two-folds for not dealing with it right away. As much as I like to think I can handle it, I guess in the end, I am not handling it at all. I suppose for me to confess these things to people, I need to believe they are receptive to what I have to say.
It's kind of weird to think that this might be some sort of nightmare breakthrough... and I don't know what will change after this, but I think it's funny that my mind psychoanalyzed itself.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Asian Feast
In the past week I think I have eaten out once or twice a day except for last Friday and Saturday. All the eating out has left me feeling a little sick to my stomach so I decided to do some massive cooking with the intention of eating my home cooked meals for the week. These days I haven't been around my place very much and I wonder how this affects my productivity. I guess I am just spending more of my time elsewhere and my place is just turning into a place I have to come back to for maintenance. I suppose I should do something about it. Ever since my sister organized my place, I have been meaning to do more at home. My art, keyboard practice, walking or running. Anyways, I was pretty determined to finish a lot today. I cooked my meals for the week, did two loads of laundry, and took a short walk around the neighborhood just to move around a bit. Unfortunately, I still have plenty of cleaning left to do.
Massive cooking usually last me for a week and a half assuming I eat out once or twice with friends. Usually when I do this, I have my music on to keep me going. This week I went the all Asian route with my cooking.
I am super tired now...
Massive cooking usually last me for a week and a half assuming I eat out once or twice with friends. Usually when I do this, I have my music on to keep me going. This week I went the all Asian route with my cooking.
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| Setting everything up for a half day of cooking... |
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| Eggs, pork belly, bean thread noodles, green onions, shrimp, ground pork, memphis rub, shallots, brown rice... |
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| BBQ pork, cabbage, and shitake mushroom! |
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| FRIED RICE! My version just has shrimp, eggs green onion, and BBQ pork. |
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| I mixed some of the rice with shitake mushroom, shallots, green onion and then wrapped them in egg. I got tired after a while so I stopped making the crepes. |
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| My mom used to make this at home all the time. I guess it's just bean thread noodle soup. Chicken broth, shrimp ground pork, cabbage, and shitake mushroom. Probably the healthiest thing I made this weekend. |
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| Memphis rub pork belly... harder to cook than I thought. I was pretty excited they had this at Trader Joe's. |
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Halloween and Hot Chocolate~!
The end of the year is usually a lot of fun because a vast majority of the people start gearing up for every big holiday of the month. In October it is Halloween. In November it is Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas in December, and New Years in January. I guess the gap really starts after Valentines day in February and St. Patrick's Day in March. Maybe it makes sense to have so many eating and giving holidays during the Fall and Winter months to keep people's spirits up as the weather gets colder and the days shorter.
MEXICAN FOOD DAY
Xiao really likes Taco Bell, so one weekend we walked from my place to Wrigleyville to get his favorite Mexican food. I thought about bringing this downtown for his Birthday back in September but decided that the food would not be as good after traveling with it for about an hour. He really wanted to get the Volcano sauce packets from there so we had lunch and brought it back so I could make some homemade Mexican pizza for dinner. A lot of people talked about how awesome the new flavored shell tacos are but I really thought it was just okay. Maybe it depends on the shell.
As I was making the filling and prepping the toppings for the pizzas,
Xiao was sneaking spoonfuls of meat into his mouth. When guys talk about
helping in the kitchen, I think what they really mean is, "I am here to
be your food tester". The good thing about a guy not cooking is that if you need something from the grocery store they usually have to run out and get it. I am glad he liked the version we made better. We
ended up making the pizzas really thick because he wanted a lot of meat
in his pizza. In that sense, it looked more like a deep dish Mexican
Pizza.
HALLOWEEN AND BEEF WELLINGTON
Beef wellington is a holiday meal often served during Christmas if you're not having goose. I however, decided that I wanted to make it for Halloween because I watched a bunch of little kids do it on TV and felt encouraged that it would not be a difficult task. I thought I was going to make dinner for my friends on my own but Xiao told me he wanted to help and a great help he was. He had to run out to get some more shallots since the ones we got the first time were not so great. He also had to pick up the garlic because the one in my fridge was not useable.
I don't really know what the circumference of beef tenderloin should be for beef wellington, but I found it very difficult to get the prosciutto around the whole tenderloin and the pastry puff around that. It took two people to seal that sucker with pastry and although it didn't look beautiful like the ones I saw on TV, it tasted really good.
I was also really grateful that Xiao helped with serving the guests at the dinner party.
I was glad everyone dressed up! That was part of the reason I wanted to have a dinner party. I am pretty sure everyone thought the treat was well worth the dressing up!
HALLOWEEN AND TUTORING
Every Wednesday evening, I tutor a third grader in the City Lights program. For Halloween, I thought it would be lots of fun to put on the Minnie ears I had for their year's costume since she told me she never celebrated Halloween before. A couple of surprises happened that evening. One, my tutee gave me a bag of candy for Halloween. In the end I gave most of it to other kids and her but it was a really thoughtful and sweet act. Then, we had to fill out a Christmas wishlist for the program and she said she wished I could join her family for Christmas dinner at her house. I am very lucky I get to work with a sweet and thoughtful girl.
HOT CHOCOLATE 5K NOT 15K
The long await sibling reunion happened here first in Chicago on November 3rd, 2013! I have to say we had our fair share of disagreements but among all that there were some good times too. The first to arrive in Chicago is Mrs. Tiffany Ong!
The sibling who had the hardest time getting to Chicago happens to be the baby, George! There was a shooting in LAX that closed down the airport and canceled all the flights. He ended up flying later in the evening and had to pay more to get here :(
Finally, the morning of the Hot Chocolate Race! We had to get up at 5am and bus over to the location. We decided to stay in the same Corral and run together. It turned out to be a beautiful day that Sunday as we waited for our turn to start running.
Unfortunately baby got sick from eating everything in the Hot Chocolate cup. It was too much sugar before breakfast, plus there was no place to wash our hands after riding public transit. He was okay though because we found him a bathroom at Subway since the mean lady at the Chicago Cultural Center would not let us in 8 minutes from opening. Lame!
Later that day, we had brunch with Lilyan, Stella, Rich, and Gigi at Frog and Snail. I was glad they came out to meet my siblings.The eating didn't stop at Frog and Snail though, the group ended up buying a few things from the Wiener Circle and Crisp before calling it quits.
As the guest from late morning left to run their errands and go to their next event of the day, the time was drawing near for my sister to leave us Sunday evening. We had planned to eat dinner earlier with Xiao, but because everyone was not really hungry, we just hung out at my place until my sister had to go. We rode the transit with her part of the way and split off at the Blue line where we said our last goodbyes.
The next morning, the boys and I rented the divy bikes around the corner and cruised down Lake Michigan to downtown. I always knew the boys could ride a bike, but I have never tried riding an adult bike before. When I mentioned it to them, Derrick just made me feel bad about renting bikes when I didn't know how to use one. George, however, just spent his time teaching me how to get going on a bike and encouraged me enough that I actually did it! It was pretty thrilling and a little scary at the same time as I was not very good at steering the bike. It was a good thing everyone was at work on a Monday so I could wobble down the path all the way to the finish!
After all that biking and stopping by my work place downtown. We headed to Chinatown to get something Asian and met up with Ping Jing who is like a sister to me! We ate at a noodle shop called Sing Noodles because they have hand pulled noodles. It was pretty good! Then we had to part because Ping Jing had to get back to her busy day at work and we had to head back downtown to Navy Pier for the Architecture Boat tour.
For our last meal, we decided to have dinner at Lou Menati's for the Chicago deep dish experience with Xiao! George loved the pizza and said it was one of the better pizzas he has had. What I thought was really funny was he had a glass of Stellas with his slice. The baby is drinking beer now~! Oh how the times have changed!
Then, to finish the night off we went up to the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor of the John Hancock Building for one of the best views of the city. Xiao bought the boys drinks. Since Derrick did not like his Old Fashion, the baby switched his Russian Mule with him. Even then, Derrick did not feel like drinking, so George had both drinks.
I think the thing I noticed about George is that he just tries to go with the flow of things. He never complained about his flight delay and airport switch, he never complained about the food, and he finished the drinks that were bought as a good gesture. He's the perfect guest who doesn't make a fuss and doesn't mind if he doesn't always get his way. In that sense, I feel George and I are similar and it was good to know. When Lilyan joined us here after work, George decided to have some cider just so she wouldn't drink alone. I decided to drink half his bottle so he didn't have to keep drinking while Derrick and I were not.
Finally, it was time to say goodbye to the boys. We had an easy time printing out a boarding pass for Derrick, but had a difficult time trying to get the boarding pass for George printed due to technical issues with Spirit's website. Apparently, Spirit airlines charges for everything you do there. If you wanted to print a boarding pass they wanted $15.00, if you wanted to use the overhead bins that is another $25.00. Since it was their website that was the issue, the baby had to go straighten it out at the counter for the boarding pass when he got to the airport.
The last meal we had together before they both left for O'Hare International Airport was at Brazilian Bowl. It felt like a good choice because it was close to the 77 Belmont bus and the food was hearty but not rich and overwhelming. We also got some felafels from next door.
I rode the 77 bus with the boys until I reached the red line and said goodbye.
Unfortunately for George, his flight was once again delayed due to weather. He not only had a flight delay, but he will be flying into a different airport from where he park his car since he had to go to Long Beach airport to get to Chicago in time for the Hot Chocolate run. That means he won't be back home until midnight today and will be back at work tomorrow morning at 8am.
I hope my siblings still had a good time overall. I tried my best to be a good host, but it was difficult to cater to what everyone wanted to do. Despite hard times, harsh words, and disagreements the last weekend, I think we all cared a lot about each other.
It was easy for me to see that despite the fact that we are all adults now, the oldest child still takes care of the younger ones.
Tiffany showed she cared for us when she organized and cleaned my living space and helped clean George's hands when he had Chocolate all over it. She also tried to give advice to Derrick even though she knows he would not take it well. In that sense, she has the touch of a nurturer in her. It will be perfect when she becomes a mother some time in the following year or so.
Derrick to me seemed the most lost and least happy on the trip. Perhaps it was because he is stuck in a rut about what to do about his career or the fact that he does not want to live at home. Despite all that, it was nice that he showed he cared by letting me play Zombie and Plants 2 on his phone, covering some meals, and buying snacks to share with us.
George grew up to be a really mellow fellow. He doesn't let difficult situations get to him, he does not complain when other people complain to him, and he tries to enjoy things and make the most of any situation. His ability to adapt and stay positive the whole time I think helped Derrick a lot on the trip. I loved that he had the patience to teach me how to ride an adult bike and that he remembered my birthday.
MEXICAN FOOD DAY
Xiao really likes Taco Bell, so one weekend we walked from my place to Wrigleyville to get his favorite Mexican food. I thought about bringing this downtown for his Birthday back in September but decided that the food would not be as good after traveling with it for about an hour. He really wanted to get the Volcano sauce packets from there so we had lunch and brought it back so I could make some homemade Mexican pizza for dinner. A lot of people talked about how awesome the new flavored shell tacos are but I really thought it was just okay. Maybe it depends on the shell.
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| The Bell is in Chicago... |
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| Hearty pizzas! |
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| Xiao doesn't like olives but I do! |
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| Advertising the Volcano sauce... |
HALLOWEEN AND BEEF WELLINGTON
Beef wellington is a holiday meal often served during Christmas if you're not having goose. I however, decided that I wanted to make it for Halloween because I watched a bunch of little kids do it on TV and felt encouraged that it would not be a difficult task. I thought I was going to make dinner for my friends on my own but Xiao told me he wanted to help and a great help he was. He had to run out to get some more shallots since the ones we got the first time were not so great. He also had to pick up the garlic because the one in my fridge was not useable.
I don't really know what the circumference of beef tenderloin should be for beef wellington, but I found it very difficult to get the prosciutto around the whole tenderloin and the pastry puff around that. It took two people to seal that sucker with pastry and although it didn't look beautiful like the ones I saw on TV, it tasted really good.
I was also really grateful that Xiao helped with serving the guests at the dinner party.
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| Stella and Rich contributed a delicious golden beet salad, Catherine brought roasted duck from Chinatown, and Ping Jing brought us a blueberry fruit pie to go with the scalloped potatoes with carrots and beef wellington! |
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| Looks so much better when you can see the meat... |
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| Now that looks really good! |
I was glad everyone dressed up! That was part of the reason I wanted to have a dinner party. I am pretty sure everyone thought the treat was well worth the dressing up!
HALLOWEEN AND TUTORING
Every Wednesday evening, I tutor a third grader in the City Lights program. For Halloween, I thought it would be lots of fun to put on the Minnie ears I had for their year's costume since she told me she never celebrated Halloween before. A couple of surprises happened that evening. One, my tutee gave me a bag of candy for Halloween. In the end I gave most of it to other kids and her but it was a really thoughtful and sweet act. Then, we had to fill out a Christmas wishlist for the program and she said she wished I could join her family for Christmas dinner at her house. I am very lucky I get to work with a sweet and thoughtful girl.
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| Ms. Serenity Mayfield! |
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| My ears! |
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| She had lots of fun taking pictures :) |
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| Had to get a shot of us together! |
HOT CHOCOLATE 5K NOT 15K
The long await sibling reunion happened here first in Chicago on November 3rd, 2013! I have to say we had our fair share of disagreements but among all that there were some good times too. The first to arrive in Chicago is Mrs. Tiffany Ong!
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| We decided to go to Intelligensia while we waited for Derrick to fly into O'Hare International Airport. Clearly delicious coffee! |
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| The caffeine will keep you perky! |
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| We met up with Derrick and traveled back to my neighborhood for some Kuma burgers. The Ong verdict: too salty! We enjoyed it at first but after a while the heaviness really settled in... |
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| Terrible eating happens a lot on vacation. My sister loves baked goods so I took them to Molly's Cupcakes. |
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| The gluten-free molten lava cupcake was good! No pictures of Glazed and Infused Donuts... but we also had those too o_O!... and a rum ball from the Austrian Bakery O_O! |
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| We started out looking happy... but then our margin of happiness with each sweet dessert decreased unless we had a couple hour break from all this snacking... |
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| Some walking around the neighborhood took some of the eating guilt off! |
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| Some tea after sugar also makes every feel better! |
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| Made it all the way to Old Town! |
Finally, the morning of the Hot Chocolate Race! We had to get up at 5am and bus over to the location. We decided to stay in the same Corral and run together. It turned out to be a beautiful day that Sunday as we waited for our turn to start running.
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| L corral, second wave! |
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| The boys... |
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| the girls! |
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| Movie star shot they do before a movie premiere! Haha! Sexy! |
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| Too much chocolate all over... |
Later that day, we had brunch with Lilyan, Stella, Rich, and Gigi at Frog and Snail. I was glad they came out to meet my siblings.The eating didn't stop at Frog and Snail though, the group ended up buying a few things from the Wiener Circle and Crisp before calling it quits.
As the guest from late morning left to run their errands and go to their next event of the day, the time was drawing near for my sister to leave us Sunday evening. We had planned to eat dinner earlier with Xiao, but because everyone was not really hungry, we just hung out at my place until my sister had to go. We rode the transit with her part of the way and split off at the Blue line where we said our last goodbyes.
The next morning, the boys and I rented the divy bikes around the corner and cruised down Lake Michigan to downtown. I always knew the boys could ride a bike, but I have never tried riding an adult bike before. When I mentioned it to them, Derrick just made me feel bad about renting bikes when I didn't know how to use one. George, however, just spent his time teaching me how to get going on a bike and encouraged me enough that I actually did it! It was pretty thrilling and a little scary at the same time as I was not very good at steering the bike. It was a good thing everyone was at work on a Monday so I could wobble down the path all the way to the finish!
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| It was much colder and windier Monday morning! |
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| DIVY BIKES! |
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| The Chicago skyline is beautiful from the lakefront! |
After all that biking and stopping by my work place downtown. We headed to Chinatown to get something Asian and met up with Ping Jing who is like a sister to me! We ate at a noodle shop called Sing Noodles because they have hand pulled noodles. It was pretty good! Then we had to part because Ping Jing had to get back to her busy day at work and we had to head back downtown to Navy Pier for the Architecture Boat tour.
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| Standing behind the dragon... |
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| The Fire Tiger in the family... |
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| the earth dragon... |
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| ... and the wood ox. |
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| We stopped by the green house inside Navy Pier. |
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| We also checked out the stained glass museum! |
Then, to finish the night off we went up to the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor of the John Hancock Building for one of the best views of the city. Xiao bought the boys drinks. Since Derrick did not like his Old Fashion, the baby switched his Russian Mule with him. Even then, Derrick did not feel like drinking, so George had both drinks.
I think the thing I noticed about George is that he just tries to go with the flow of things. He never complained about his flight delay and airport switch, he never complained about the food, and he finished the drinks that were bought as a good gesture. He's the perfect guest who doesn't make a fuss and doesn't mind if he doesn't always get his way. In that sense, I feel George and I are similar and it was good to know. When Lilyan joined us here after work, George decided to have some cider just so she wouldn't drink alone. I decided to drink half his bottle so he didn't have to keep drinking while Derrick and I were not.
Finally, it was time to say goodbye to the boys. We had an easy time printing out a boarding pass for Derrick, but had a difficult time trying to get the boarding pass for George printed due to technical issues with Spirit's website. Apparently, Spirit airlines charges for everything you do there. If you wanted to print a boarding pass they wanted $15.00, if you wanted to use the overhead bins that is another $25.00. Since it was their website that was the issue, the baby had to go straighten it out at the counter for the boarding pass when he got to the airport.
The last meal we had together before they both left for O'Hare International Airport was at Brazilian Bowl. It felt like a good choice because it was close to the 77 Belmont bus and the food was hearty but not rich and overwhelming. We also got some felafels from next door.
 |
| The baby had some Feijoada! |
 |
| Derrick had Brazilian Beef Stroganoff... |
Unfortunately for George, his flight was once again delayed due to weather. He not only had a flight delay, but he will be flying into a different airport from where he park his car since he had to go to Long Beach airport to get to Chicago in time for the Hot Chocolate run. That means he won't be back home until midnight today and will be back at work tomorrow morning at 8am.
I hope my siblings still had a good time overall. I tried my best to be a good host, but it was difficult to cater to what everyone wanted to do. Despite hard times, harsh words, and disagreements the last weekend, I think we all cared a lot about each other.
It was easy for me to see that despite the fact that we are all adults now, the oldest child still takes care of the younger ones.
Tiffany showed she cared for us when she organized and cleaned my living space and helped clean George's hands when he had Chocolate all over it. She also tried to give advice to Derrick even though she knows he would not take it well. In that sense, she has the touch of a nurturer in her. It will be perfect when she becomes a mother some time in the following year or so.
Derrick to me seemed the most lost and least happy on the trip. Perhaps it was because he is stuck in a rut about what to do about his career or the fact that he does not want to live at home. Despite all that, it was nice that he showed he cared by letting me play Zombie and Plants 2 on his phone, covering some meals, and buying snacks to share with us.
George grew up to be a really mellow fellow. He doesn't let difficult situations get to him, he does not complain when other people complain to him, and he tries to enjoy things and make the most of any situation. His ability to adapt and stay positive the whole time I think helped Derrick a lot on the trip. I loved that he had the patience to teach me how to ride an adult bike and that he remembered my birthday.
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